When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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