I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
