Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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