They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
