Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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