She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
