it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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