I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
