Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
