Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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