I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Never joke about your clitoris.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
