Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
