Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
