Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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