She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
