Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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