I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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