I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
