You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
