I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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