Pappa wants mamma naked
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
