Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
