I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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