Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Holy sore nipples Batman
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
