2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
