I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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