If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
