if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
