If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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