I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Terrible idea I love it
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
