im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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