the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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