I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
