i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
