Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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