boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
