I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
