So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
