I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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