Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
