There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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