i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
