Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I will be naked everywhere
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
