the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
