i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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