dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
