I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
