Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
