i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
