Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
