she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
